I feel your pain. Right now my capacity is reducing so I am having much the same worries but going in the other direction! Sending you love and hope. I am thrilled for you about your baseline improvement.
Hi madelleine I am suffering anxiety atm as my bedroom is full of stuff I've bought as I'm a shopaholic which I need help to stop. It's hard to understand why it happened. My flat is having new windows put in after Xmas and I have to clear it fast but when you don't have much storage it's difficult x
I can relate to this SO much, also as someone in my 40s and an artist (singer/songwriter) who feels woefully 'behind' and frustrated.. I've never been bedbound for long periods of time but I have been living with this illness for 12 years now and reduced capacity has been my normal for so long.. I have gone from mild to moderate MD/CFS and recently started to improve after a crash of several months that had me mostly houseound and mostly in bed.
With the improvement has come more possibility and more life, but also more drive and desire and therefore hitting limits that mattered less when I was just getting through the day. I have actually felt more existential angst and depression since improving, which seems so paradoxical. I also really relate to struggling to get to all the little things through the day and getting overwhelmed by them. Which doesn't then facilitate the nervous system state I know is most conducive to healing. When we have to create our own structure and see still operating with less cognitive capacity, it's hard. Also, I don't know if perimenopause affects you but I feel like it's really ramped up for me (I'm 46) and confuses the picture.
In solidarity! And, it sounds like you're doing a lot of creative stuff. I love seeing your paintings and hearing your new songs. 💗
I loooved reading your thoughts on this, seems like we are having similar experiences with the existential angst. It’s so hard to explain! Aaah of course peri menopause could play a part in this too! Will have to look into that some more.
It's a rabbit hole, the perimenopause stuff - be warned 😀 I'm so glad we could share, you're right, it is hard to explain but I thought you did it very well in your post!
Madelleine- I am glad to hear that things have improved a bit on the one hand and the paradox of the anxiety on the other. You write beautifully about both and I am sending all of the good energy and wishes for your continued fortitude. I wouldn’t worry to much about the creativity it feels to me as if that is running through your veins!
I am so excited to hear about your increased capacity, Madelleine 💖. You deserve the world. I'm cheering on all of us... you, me, and every warrior with chronic illness out there!
So I’ve only really just become aware of this fear of running out of time surfacing for me. I’d say it’ll always have been there but that I’ve been unconscious to it.
I know rebecca Campbell speaks to this sense of time running out, I’m sure especially when it comes to our creations. So I think it’s really common amongst creatives.
Perhaps it is the soul with its mission and plan and then the act of embodying and integrating it all into human form?
It’s tricky. There’s enormous amounts to move through. Not least because for many of us, so much activates at a time of severe depletion. Then we have to find a balance with it all. Surrounded by humans who tell us balance doesn’t exist. (The conflict!🙃)
…Over the years I’ve been able to rewire my neural pathways.
It’s forever taken a case of meeting myself where I’m at. Doing what I can when I can. And remaining open to possibility.
It was once described to me as the ones we are currently existing from being motorways. With fast moving traffic.
Then creating new ones from over grown jungle. Hacking and hacking away.
Eventually a path forms. Over time and with repeated use, the path becomes a road. Traffic begins to move along it. The road becomes a dual carriageway, a motorway. The traffic moves faster and faster.
The former neural pathways are on the reverse. Eventually becoming the overgrown jungle once more.
That really helped me see what was happening. As we all know, it comes through practice. And starting with where we are and working with what we’ve got.
Which like you say, even when that is improved, continues to be a challenge, because we want more of it.
And so the balancing act continues.
I’ve come to see it as a continuation of cycles and spirals.
Even the relapse/flare up periods are all part of living, breathing cycles.
It’s navigating them in a way where improvement is recognised as living on the other side of that.
Where does Rebecca Campbell speak about this? And yes, there is so much I want to create I feel like there isn’t enough time for it all. I have been working with my neural pathways too, especially now that I’m better.
It’s in one of her card decks but I now have 4 so can’t recall which. Next time I come across it I’ll be sure to send it along.
Whatever you’re doing, it’s working. I believe you will stay in alignment with it all. Though of course we know it’s no straight line. But that’s ok. We learn how to allow it as it is. 💜😘
I feel your pain. Right now my capacity is reducing so I am having much the same worries but going in the other direction! Sending you love and hope. I am thrilled for you about your baseline improvement.
Arg no! I’m so sorry its going in the wrong direction. I really hope it will turn around soon… sending so much love your way too 🥰🩷
Hi madelleine I am suffering anxiety atm as my bedroom is full of stuff I've bought as I'm a shopaholic which I need help to stop. It's hard to understand why it happened. My flat is having new windows put in after Xmas and I have to clear it fast but when you don't have much storage it's difficult x
I’m so sorry to hear you’re dealing with anxiety and shopaholism. That cannot be easy! Sending you so much support and love 🥰🩷
Thanks madelleine x
I can relate to this SO much, also as someone in my 40s and an artist (singer/songwriter) who feels woefully 'behind' and frustrated.. I've never been bedbound for long periods of time but I have been living with this illness for 12 years now and reduced capacity has been my normal for so long.. I have gone from mild to moderate MD/CFS and recently started to improve after a crash of several months that had me mostly houseound and mostly in bed.
With the improvement has come more possibility and more life, but also more drive and desire and therefore hitting limits that mattered less when I was just getting through the day. I have actually felt more existential angst and depression since improving, which seems so paradoxical. I also really relate to struggling to get to all the little things through the day and getting overwhelmed by them. Which doesn't then facilitate the nervous system state I know is most conducive to healing. When we have to create our own structure and see still operating with less cognitive capacity, it's hard. Also, I don't know if perimenopause affects you but I feel like it's really ramped up for me (I'm 46) and confuses the picture.
In solidarity! And, it sounds like you're doing a lot of creative stuff. I love seeing your paintings and hearing your new songs. 💗
I loooved reading your thoughts on this, seems like we are having similar experiences with the existential angst. It’s so hard to explain! Aaah of course peri menopause could play a part in this too! Will have to look into that some more.
It's a rabbit hole, the perimenopause stuff - be warned 😀 I'm so glad we could share, you're right, it is hard to explain but I thought you did it very well in your post!
Madelleine- I am glad to hear that things have improved a bit on the one hand and the paradox of the anxiety on the other. You write beautifully about both and I am sending all of the good energy and wishes for your continued fortitude. I wouldn’t worry to much about the creativity it feels to me as if that is running through your veins!
Aw thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words 🥰❤️
I am so excited to hear about your increased capacity, Madelleine 💖. You deserve the world. I'm cheering on all of us... you, me, and every warrior with chronic illness out there!
Yay! I’m cheering too! 🦄🥳
So I’ve only really just become aware of this fear of running out of time surfacing for me. I’d say it’ll always have been there but that I’ve been unconscious to it.
I know rebecca Campbell speaks to this sense of time running out, I’m sure especially when it comes to our creations. So I think it’s really common amongst creatives.
Perhaps it is the soul with its mission and plan and then the act of embodying and integrating it all into human form?
It’s tricky. There’s enormous amounts to move through. Not least because for many of us, so much activates at a time of severe depletion. Then we have to find a balance with it all. Surrounded by humans who tell us balance doesn’t exist. (The conflict!🙃)
…Over the years I’ve been able to rewire my neural pathways.
It’s forever taken a case of meeting myself where I’m at. Doing what I can when I can. And remaining open to possibility.
It was once described to me as the ones we are currently existing from being motorways. With fast moving traffic.
Then creating new ones from over grown jungle. Hacking and hacking away.
Eventually a path forms. Over time and with repeated use, the path becomes a road. Traffic begins to move along it. The road becomes a dual carriageway, a motorway. The traffic moves faster and faster.
The former neural pathways are on the reverse. Eventually becoming the overgrown jungle once more.
That really helped me see what was happening. As we all know, it comes through practice. And starting with where we are and working with what we’ve got.
Which like you say, even when that is improved, continues to be a challenge, because we want more of it.
And so the balancing act continues.
I’ve come to see it as a continuation of cycles and spirals.
Even the relapse/flare up periods are all part of living, breathing cycles.
It’s navigating them in a way where improvement is recognised as living on the other side of that.
In the very least, as possibility.
Where does Rebecca Campbell speak about this? And yes, there is so much I want to create I feel like there isn’t enough time for it all. I have been working with my neural pathways too, especially now that I’m better.
Garrrgh I just lost an entire comment typed😩
It’s in one of her card decks but I now have 4 so can’t recall which. Next time I come across it I’ll be sure to send it along.
Whatever you’re doing, it’s working. I believe you will stay in alignment with it all. Though of course we know it’s no straight line. But that’s ok. We learn how to allow it as it is. 💜😘
Argh I hate when that happens! Yes please, do send a pic of it if you find the card 🥰