How my songwriting process has changed as illness progressed

I’m incredibly grateful that I can still write songs, even though the process feels harder and less intuitive.

• I’ve created a playlist over on Spotify with the most beautiful chamber folk songs. Chamber folk is folk, but often with the use of chamber instruments like strings or woodwinds. Here is the playlist! • When you buy my album you also support research into ME/CFS and Long Covid. ME/CFS is one of the must underfunded illnesses and it disproportionately affects women. Purchase the album here.

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Hi friend!

I discovered songwriting when I was living with a much milder version of the illness I have (ME/CFS). At that time, I could still go outside, I could (with difficulty) do my own shopping and cooking and I could take care of myself.

I started songwriting when my voice teacher at the time told me “I can see you have a lot to tell the world.” It was like I was given a permission slip to be creative.

I went home and started writing songs, just like that. They weren’t very good at first, but then I started paying closer attention to songs. I studied Pink Floyd, Nick Drake, Joni Mitchell, Irish Sean Nos, Ayub Ogada, Geoffrey Oryema, Miriam Makeba and many others from different parts of the world.

A favourite technique of mine at the time I call ‘Mumbling,’ where you find a melody and then start mumbling sounds as you listen to it. Eventually words or even whole sentences emerged. If they didn’t, I would at least have caught the vibe of the song.

Allowing the melody to guide you is a great way of tapping into the subconscious and I was always surprised and in awe at what came out. At that time a lot of grief came out. It was how I learned how affected I was by my body breaking.

Another favourite technique at the time I called the ‘Dali Method.’ I would lie down with my eyes closed, a pen and paper in my hands, and relax my whole body, and then I would begin to notice any images inside my head. I would then immediately write down the descriptions of these images or any other words or sentences that came to me.

But illness has changed this.

Because of inflammation in my brain and neurons moving slower (yes, they move slower in an ME/CFS brain), I cannot do these exercises anymore.

I cannot produce images in my mind anymore — it’s called aphantasia. If I see something it’s either an outline or a really glitchy, fuzzy image and I can’t hold it long enough to describe it. Also, no words pop up, I don’t think my brain can produce fuzzy images while coming up with words.

The ‘Mumbling’ exercise rarely works for me either, as my brain just doesn’t produce words, but I do it anyway to see if I can catch the vibe of a song.

So the techniques I use now are very different from when my brain was better.

Today I use an exercise I call ‘Word dumps,’ where I take different texts (a poem, a newspaper, a book etc,) and find one word per page, never more than one word. I do this intuitively and fast. Eventually, I have a list of words and I start either combining them or making my own sentences. In this way, it feels like I bypass the brain a bit (I know the brain is still working, but it feels easier).

I also have a notebook next to me where I can write down anything I hear (which isn’t much as I’m just lying in bed) or anything that pops up in my inner dialogue (which is often the same stuff).

I do miss the flow and the awe of my brain producing images and words and stuff, but I have accepted that that is how things are right now.

For chord progressions I used to study world music songs as well as jazz and folk traditions. I can’t do that anymore. Instead, I either play around on the piano for five minutes or I take a song I like, figure out the chords and then make it my own. I might change the mode of the scale, or add chords or change the version of the chord or change the chords altogether.

I do miss finding inspiration in other traditions. It felt fun, expansive and exciting.

I’m incredibly grateful that I can still write songs, even though the process feels harder and less intuitive.

I’m working on a song called Mama Why Won’t They Listen? right now. I’ll share more at a later stage. I managed to record a lot of the process, so I’ll be sharing that with you too.

Tell me…

What’s your creative process like right now, if you have one?

Has anything changed?

What’s your favourite way of creating right now?

I’d love to read your thoughts in the comments below.

Did you miss?

Fish and Bird [Tom Waits cover]

Behind the song: Lonely Birds

The nervous system-friendly ways I access emotions for songwriting

Have you listened to There Are No More Heroes?

I wrote this song when I felt the world had turned its back on me. I felt doctors had given up, friends had given up, family had given up. I felt disillusioned with the world, but something grew inside me that helped me carry on.

All proceeds will go to Open Medicine Foundation for vital ME/CFS and Long Covid research. Please consider purchasing on Bandcamp to support the cause.