I kept telling myself “I am not creative”

In the eighties and nineties, there wasn’t a lot of focus on how to learn or how to build a skill. Rock and pop stars would often scoff at the idea of a vocal trainer or coach…

• My fine art print shop is finally here! I’ll tell you more about it in this post, but if you can’t wait to check it out then here is the link. All proceeds from my art will go to Open Medicine Foundation for ME/CFS research.

Whirlwind of Magic — by Madelleine Müller

Hi friend!

I’m struggling to forgive myself these days. I keep scolding myself for quitting my music at too early an age (in my late teens) and for believing that I didn’t have a creative bone in my body… I’m working on it, and I will eventually get forgiveness.

Some of it I can easily blame on societal norms. See, I grew up in a time where either you had it or you didn’t and where natural talent was put on an immensely tall, and unreachable, pedestal. Either you could sing or you couldn’t. Or you could draw or you couldn’t.

At the same time I grew up with a (wonderful) brother who just so happens to be one of those 1% naturally talented people. This doesn’t mean he didn’t work hard for his skill, but he could play fluent Mozart by heart within two months of touching a piano and he could draw effortlessly, from imagination.

None of my “I’m not good enough”-ness is his fault, his ability simply accentuated this idea that you either had it or you didn’t. He definitely had it — and still does!

I had an awful break in my voice, couldn’t reach high notes and had no clue how to create what we call ‘mixed voice’, which is that beautiful clear sound you get when you blend the heavy part of your voice with the light part. It didn’t sound great and I was limited as a fly in a bottle.

I also couldn’t draw… or that is to say… I couldn’t draw from my imagination. And so I decided that I was simply not creative.

In the eighties and nineties, there wasn’t a lot of focus on how to learn or how to build a skill. Rock and pop stars would often scoff at the idea of a vocal trainer or coach saying you weren’t a real singer if you needed one.

When I started my online business in 2011 after falling ill with a chronic illness, I had to learn everything from scratch — social media, online marketing, product creation, coaching skills, building a website, coding, all the things.

And I learnt it all, step by step. That’s when it hit me: I can just learn stuff! One. Step. At. A. Time.

I lost my voice at one point during my illness and I sought out a vocal coach. She taught me that I could build and strengthen my voice, I could even learn to get rid of that nasty break I had in my voice. A whole new world had opened up for me!

I began training my voice with an online vocal coach and within half a year I had a singing voice that I was deeply proud of… until I became too ill to use it.

And that’s where the ‘trying to forgive myself’ comes in. I wish I hadn’t quit, I wish I hadn’t bought into this idea that you either had it or didn’t, I wish I had had a more ‘fuck-em’ attitude and broke through all that nonsense and learnt to sing, and draw and all the things when I was younger.

I feel time is running out now that I’m 44 and still lying in bed most of the day.

I recently discovered too that I actually CAN draw! And I can paint and be visually creative too. I’ve learnt the skill of learning. So in February this year I decided to teach myself abstract art, and voila, today I’ve opened my very own fine art print shop.

I love painting abstract art, because I can switch off the logical part of my brain and feel my way through it all. I start with a brush stroke, or a colour, or a charcoal mark and I ask ‘what’s next’ and eventually I have a painting. I studied composition and color theory and mark making to get here.

This dance with the unknown is something I’ve learnt living with chronic illness: We have no clue what tomorrow looks like, but we wake up and try as best to do things we love, and hope for the best.

This painting is called Day Dream. I started with a blue-golden color story for peace and calm, and I let my brush do a lot of vertical movements. That was the most soothing for me at the moment. I love this piece, it gives me calm vibes. What do you think?

You can check out all my paintings in my fine art print shop here.

Tell me…

Have you ever doubted your creativity?

Have you ever quit something you loved? Why?

I’d love to know in the comments!